I was watching just last night a movie on one of the terestrial channel — a repeat of a classic super-action/super-adventure/super-thriller and all the other “supers” (I’m not going to divulge the name of it as I don’t want to actually increase its popularity) when what is about to follow in this post (re)occurred to me. And when I say “I was watching it” I mean by that I was going through a few bottles with a friend while this thing was going on on the screen — and occasionally we might pay attention to the screen for a fraction of a second (as I said, it was a repeat after all :D).

The movie saw our heroine — an actress rather “well designed upstairs” — go through some amazing adventures during which she had many opportunities to show us not just how intelligent she is, quick-witted, well-read and well educated, but also what an expert in martial arts, fire weaponry, bombs, flying planes and helicopters and driving fast cars she was! I mean, a robot wouldn’t be as good as her by the looks of it! And then it occured to me: it’s the big boobs! Without the big boobs she won’t be able to do that! So my friend and I sat down and devised this list of facts that applies to Hollywood actresses and their boobs — you tell me these are not true!

1. First of all, if you have got big boobs you are guaranteed to drive a really fast car! So if you decide to be a baddie in a movie and you need to get away at some point, get a huge pair of knockers and you will be landed a fast car and even more than that, you will be guaranteed you will know how to drive it super-fast! In fact, with the knockers comes also the ability to drive onto oncoming traffic and be able to avoid every single car coming towards you — obviously while still being able to speed away from your chaser! More than that, if you have a great rack, you will find out that miraculously and all of a sudden, when you floor the break pedal, your car would spin around with the exact number of degrees required for you to turn left, right or around to get away from whoever’s following you. So women, if you had problems with driving in the past, you got it all wrong — you don’t need to take more “advanced” lessons: just have your cleavage greatly enhanced by some silicons, and you will notice that the next morning your G-Whizz becomes a Lamborghini, your steering wheel control is dead sharp and you whizz through the traffic at 100mph while also managing to put your makeup on, arrange your hair appointment on the phone after going through all the possible dates they have this month and last but not least of course your car won’t have the tiniest of scratches so you will be saving tons on your insurance too!
2. Secondly, boobs = warrior! The quality of the artial marts exhibited by a Hollywood actress is in direct proportion with the cup size, sorry, that’s a given! If you’re a C cup you might be able to do the occasional high kick, maybe on a good day even followed by a series of punches — but upgrade yourself to DD’s and you can do backflips, triple kicks followed by a block and a punch all in the air and you will also find out that it’s not your technique that is greatly improved but your speed and accuracy more than doubles (just like the cup size!). Why would anyone go through the whole trouble of waking up early and going to pilates to improve flexibility and then in the evening going to karate classes when all you have to do is get those big bad boys a grow and Jackie Chan himself will run away a mile at the simple sight of you! (I dread to think what happens if you’re stepping into the EE’s and GG’s! Surely the world must surrender itself to you!) In fact you know what, America, you got it wrong — if you want to win the war against terror, just bring on your latest Playmate of the year!
3. The cup size also dictates the number and quality of the friends who are going to help you in your “quest” (come on, that’s an easy one to figure out why that is :D). B cup means you might know someone who can lend you a car now and then – typically a run down one which breaks down in the middle of a car chase. DD’s get you friends who have an Aston Martin and don’t mind at all you using it – even though that means it will be a wreck after you’re done with it. It also means that automatically you know some dude who can hack into the CIA network and get you any information you want, a guy who can produce on the spot passports, fake ID’s and as much money as you want in cash, obviously in small, untraceable notes. It also guarantees you a friend who can get you any type of weapon you need – including a fighter jet! Even more, while he can’t be obviously as good as you, he can still prove to be very efficient in using firearms and watching your back. Big knockers come also with friends who can put you up for the night in their homes – typically big luxuriant mansions. Sorry girls, but if you’re just a C cup you might have a friend who owes a caravan but that’s as far as it will go!
4. Not to forget another important aspect: the cup size is directly proportional with your IQ! Apologies to the actresses who are in the “B cup” segment, but you’re some dumb ass mothertruckers 🙂 grow your boobies and you’ll look at Einstein’s theory of relativity and think that’s so yesterday! Quite likely in fact your character will have a PhD in something – probably physics, astrophysics, chemistry or maths.
5. Somehow related to the above – though my suspicion in this is that its not the cup size but the size of your areolas that matter here: the bigger they are the better the education you’ve been through. In particular, the massive ones guarantees that you’ve been to Oxford, Cambridge, Yale, MIT or Stanford.
6. Let’s not forget also that the cup size dictates the character in Hollywood: if you’re a B or even a C you’re bound to be bitchy, revengeful, full of hatred towards everyone else and totally disconsiderate of others; if however you’re a DD you’re guaranteed to be the most caring person in the world, very thoughtful, a good listener, a shoulder which everyone wants to cry on (ahem, well, that’s probably also due to the proximity in between the breast and the shoulder :D) and you’re probably one of the most helpful person ever born!
7. And let’s not forget here the character — y’all B’s and C’s are bound to: sleep around and cheat on everyone around you, compromise on everything in your life, have no morals and ideals in life, no backbone and no verticality! DD’s guarantee you have strong ideals and morals in life — so strong in fact that you’re prepared to die for! You are also guaranteed that you will never be tempted to look at another man let alone sleep with one — and you are totally dedicated to your partner!

I could probably ramble a bit more here and in fact chances are the subject will never be exhausted really 🙂 I was looking the other day at an advert for eHarmony and they are claiming to get you the right person in your life — fuck me, are they stupid? All they have to do is fix you up with a woman with big knockers — and you get all of the above … if you’re in a Hollywood movie! 😀